I Think I Can...

My Post Title is overly optimistic, I think. I am trying will positiveness into my brain by just thinking it!

I just finished going through J's school papers from last year, and clearing out the cabinet to make room for L's school things. Right now I am feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and fatigue. It's so bad, that I am unable to do anything else at the moment but ruminate!

These are the things causing guilt: 1) Finding several Preschool workbooks in the cabinet that I had every intention of going through with L, but never found the time to when both of us were in the right mood. In all honesty, she knows the material...picked it up while I was working with J, and through her own Preschool experience. It's just the principle that I never sat with her and did these things like I did with J. 2) Uncovering a book for grades K-5 on computer/word processing that I meant to go over with J. Again, she has picked up many of these skills by using the computer to create a couple of Power Points for extra credit last year. Ok...maybe I don't feel so guilty about that one after all.

This is THE thing causing fatigue: Simply thinking about cyber school last Spring. J and I finally got into a routine around April, but it was very easily thrown off by an extra Dr. appointment or trying to make it to a play group. I just don't know how I can possibly teach this curriculum to 2 children and still work, manage the garden, fit in violin lessons and soccer practice, and oh yeah! we probably have to eat and have clean clothes occasionally...are there truly enough hours in the day? Do I truly have the sanity in my being to do this? (Oh, and here's another one to add to the guilt list: L really wants to take music lessons. I should have started her on something already, but I'm not sure I can handle 2 violin practice sessions a day!)

JP asks, when I get in this terribly fatalistic mood about school: "When does J start doing stuff on her own?" There are things that she could and will have to take more personal responsibility on next year. My opinion however, is that her "home schooling" experience should NOT be one where she teaches herself. I feel that my role is to be able to present the new material to her, similar to what might happen in a Public School classroom, then allow her to work through it on her own while being available to help with problems and questions.

This summer is not going at all like I had hoped. I was hoping to slip a bit of violin in here, some gardening in there, and lots of afternoons full of reading. Instead, the things I do are taking me so long, that I am not having the long lazy hours to spend organizing this all. I don't think the girls mind, actually, that they have long, unstructured days in which to spend all the time they want playing so creatively.

Yesterday and today, J and I worked together to sew a dress for her doll. She did most of the work, and it turned out very nicely. She came up to me tonight and thanked me for doing that project with her...such a sweet heart! At least I have confirmation that some of the time, I parent in the right, important way!

Am I wrong, all you home-schoolers out there, in my desires for teaching my children in this way? Should I really just be dumping workbooks in their laps and expecting them to fill them out? I don't think I would enjoy that kind of education, which is why I have higher expectations of myself as a Mommy/Educator. Perhaps my expectations are TOO high. (Really, any one who knows me is probably saying "Uh...yeah!" right about now.) At least in this situation, I am pushing myself for my kids, and not for personal reasons...nothing is too good for my kid, right?

Oh boy, oh boy...this post is just all of my CRAZY coming out! At least it has been somewhat therapeutic. I think I can go finish my sewing now and put the machine away.

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE!