I think I'm about to lose it. Seriously. Things are BAD. I'm way stressed out. I'm lonely. I don't know how much more of this INSANITY that I can take! I actually broke down about this time last week. Unfortunately, JP's method of calming me down consisted of him telling me that I should cancel some stuff, which made me feel MORE guilty. Um...which thing should I cancel? My yearly Gyne exam, L's speech therapy or swim lessons, J's after school programs x 2, taking the van to the repair shop, visits from family, mandatory work trainings...which one? I did end up cancelling a speech therapy this week...helped a lot, actually.
So, YEP, I've got a lot on my plate lately. Then just glop on top of it all the fact that the garden is not getting itself weeded or planted, much to my dismay, AND the grass is not staying mowed! Plus I am so, SO tired of homeschooling. I'm all burned out.
The no yelling thing kinda slipped to the back burner about 2 weeks ago. I do catch myself sometimes, and over all, I still think I'm yelling less frequently than before, but it's still not good.
Almost daily I'm having to deal with a moody pre-adolescent, who has very different opinions about what is or is not appropriate school attire, and who frequently "doesn't hear" the things I tell her to do. She's also attained a somewhat disrespectful attitude since starting school, which I don't appreciate in the least. That's my biggest downfall, dealing with the eldest child. I get so angry with her, and I still haven't learned to walk away and count to 10 before unleashing my full head-of-flames fury.
Perhaps this time, before I sit J down for a heart-to-heart, I need to sit myself down - do some deep breathing, and have a heart-to-heart with myself. If my number 1 priority is to have a peaceful and satisfying home life, then I need to make that start with myself. If I can exude inner peace, it should spread to those around me, sort of like the irritability oozes off of me now and infects everyone else in this house.
Yes, I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I have more obligations than I have time or energy to do them. I frequently feel that I'm failing as a Mom.
No, I don't need to make my husband and daughters feel bad too just because I lose it when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
The Orange Rhino, who has been my inspiration for this no-yelling lifestyle, keeps reminding herself to "take care of me!" It's true. When I get more sleep, exercise regularly, and take time to relax, I feel a whole lot better, and can focus more on the task of parenting peacefully. That is why I chose to stay up an extra 30 minutes tonight to blog - my OWN 30 minutes of this day - instead of head to bed. It is therapeutic. I always feel better after venting on my blog, especially since nobody ever slaps me across the face and says "stop yer whinin dammit!"
There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. The van is fixed (for now), J's last after school program is tomorrow, L has only 2 more swim lessons, the Gyne thing is done for another year, and we are entering the last 4 (or 6...depends on how much I can tolerate) weeks of school.
So how about a do-over? Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm making a new commitment to not yell at my family. Hold me to it, won't you?
10 months ago