Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Out of My Hands

We did it.  Today, L and I got her birth certificate out of our Safety Deposit Box at the bank, and took it to the Elementary School to enroll her for 2nd grade next year.  The paperwork has been filled out, signatures signed, i's dotted, and t's crossed.  All done.

I'm going to have more "free time" next Fall than I ever have before in my life.  I'll have no more excuses for not having dinner ready when JP finally arrives home each evening.  Oh, I'll fill it up all right.  I'm sure I'll FEEL just as busy as always, but I just might get a few more of those things done that have been on my "To Do" list forever.

At the same time, I feel a bit sad.  I can't believe that my baby will be leaving me, or that my home schooling adventure will be least for the time being.  My goal, when I ventured into home schooling, was to provide the best education that I could for as long as possible.  I think I've achieved that.

I sat down out in the soft, green grass to chat with J this afternoon.  I have been feeling guilty that her last year at home was so stressful, and there was so much yelling and crying from both of us.  It was a rough year.  I apologised to her about it.  She assured me it was alright, and then told me that she missed some things still:  the Art History, the History and Science.

After I informed her that the local Library contains many, many books on those subjects, J launched excitedly into her plans for the summer.  "I want to do a lot of reading," she said. 

We talked about other things that we hoped to achieve this summer.  It was a wonderful moment to spend with my blossoming older daughter.

"You know, you have a lot of things to work on too, Mommy."  she announced. 

"I know," I told her.  "I've been really working on yelling less.  Don't you think it's better?"

"Oh yes," she replied, taking my chin in her hand.  She traced the dark circles under my eyes with a finger.  "You see these?"  she asked.  "You work too much."

I work too much, all the while my little girls are growing up.

Then my Doctor phoned.  She reported that my mammograms this morning were changed from last year's.  I think she commented on a "consolidation on the left" that was new.  More mammograms and ultrasounds will be ordered.  It is unlikely that there is a problem, but it's difficult not to worry a tiny bit, especially since another friend has recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

Deep breath.  Release.  Let it go.

It's all out of my hands:  the "consolidation", new educational opportunities,  girls growing up.  I have to just let it happen, roll with it, and enjoy the ride.

1 comment:

Kimberly Long Cockroft said...

You did it! Wow! Your year next year will be so much freer. I think L will love school.

Oh, I feel so much the anxiety that goes along with the breast stuff. You're right to try to worry as little as possible, and all the tests, etc. are such a nuisance. I hate all that.

I'm glad you had such a tender moment with J. Those times are rare but o, so sweet.